Before You Finish Reading This, You’ll Hate Me

I’m going to say something that is tough to hear and even tougher to do. But ultimately, it’s possibly the only way to get what you want from life.

Let’s go then. 

What if I told you that...

in order to get a better job, you need to discover a way to enjoy going to the current one. Even if it sucks the living soul out of you.

in order for your partner to behave better towards you, you need to learn to feel loved. Without expectations.

in order to find the right person to share your life with, you need to find happiness in being alone first? And stop waiting.

in order to make more money, you need to get along with what you have in peace? And ditch the fear of not ever making it.

It sounds brutal, doesn’t it? Imagine a single mom, waking up in a cold sweat every night, knowing there might not be enough in her account to feed her kids. Or a person stuck in an abusive relationship. Or someone just having their career exploded into a thousand broken pieces.

Could you simply tell them, “Find happiness in this misery, and all will be good in the end?”

No, you can’t, and unless you’re socially inept, you won’t. 

But by sketching out a few such extremes, I’m trying to steer you to the leading hypothesis. And that is that we can’t attract things we want into our lives from the position of fear.

Fear of not being lovable. Fear of nobody needing us. Fear of failure. Fear of staying poor. Fear of conflict. Fear of humiliation. Fear of disappointing others.

Like attracts like. You’ve heard this one.

You know that when you’re afraid, you usually end up dealing with the very thing you’ve been afraid of. Maybe not in the same form but likely the same in the scope of emotional impact it has on you. 

Let’s say you’re doing everything in your power to achieve what you’ve ever dreamt of. You study hard. You work hard. Harder than anyone. Your self-discipline is exemplary. Your dedication unparalleled. 

And yet, you are met with obstacle after obstacle. You double up on your hard work. You wish. You pray. You cry until your tear ducts seem to have dried out.

To what end?

For success? Money? Passion? Love?

If only. 

What drives you, in its pure essence, is fear. 

If I don’t achieve this, I can’t respect myself.

If I don’t achieve this, others won’t respect me.

If I don’t achieve this, I’m failing those who depend on me.

If I don’t achieve this, it means that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. And that I’m actually not good enough.

And this is when it gets a bit complicated.

Fear can’t bring success.

Fear can’t bring happiness.

Fear can’t bring money.

Fear can’t bring love.

Fear only brings fear. And a massive fear eventually turns into anger.

When you say something or do something to someone out of fear, their response will be driven by fear as well. 

And in the long chain of cause and effect, you end up hitting a concrete wall of stagnation or failure, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you care.

Don’t throw stones at me just yet.

The opposite of living in fear is not a state of perpetual bliss.

Everything in the universe operates in a state of constant change. Day turns into night. And night turns into day. Good turns into bad. Bad turns into good. Problems turn into solutions. Solutions turn into problems. Tears turn into smiles. And smiles turn into tears.

And just like that, happiness is a process. Turning unpleasant emotions into pleasant emotions. As much as we can. And when we fail, we turn away from self-blame. We simply acknowledge that we can do things better, and we do our best to transform our mistakes into moments of learning.

Happiness is also a balance. A balance between aiming high for our future while seeking joy in our present. A balance between struggle and victory. A balance between surviving and living. A balance between building meaningful relationships and prioritizing our own needs.

And finally, happiness is courage.

Just remember that courage is not being afraid. Fear, like all the other emotions, carries a useful and important message. Without fear, we wouldn’t be able to respond to a threat or danger. 

Courage is facing my fears, listening to them carefully, and then using all my mental strength to break the chain that ties us together. 

Remember that I said would end up hating me?

You’ve got all the right to do so. I’m telling you that both the problem and the solution are locked inside you. I’m telling you that setting them free might be the most challenging task of your entire life. And that most people will fail. 

Forgive me for that.